Being Black And Pansexual Often Means Feeling Invisible

It’s Pride Month and even though I identify as queer, I oftentimes feel invisible because I am in a hetero relationship.

I’ve never been to a Pride parade or any celebrationa that celebrates gender and sexuality freedom. It’s not that I’ve been actively avoiding it, I just never had the opportunity to do so. I’ve also never made it made it a priority either.

I was about six or seven years old when I realized I liked girls, too. I would rationalize that my attraction was based on admiration and me projecting my insecurities and wanting to be and look like them. My first kiss was a girl and when my dad found out, he didn’t punish my but it was clear that I shouldn’t be kissing anyone let alone girls.

When I was a teen I had a friend who was masculine presenting—she identified as a soft stud and we would hangout and she was the ultimate playa. She had a number of girlfriends and drama but at the end of the day, she was living her truth and at 15-years-old, she had a solid understanding of her identity whereas I stood in the shadow of her queerness because I was still unsure of what I should label myself.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CB4n9tIpV4_/?igshid=6wiczt0q2hwj

All I knew at the time that I was not 100% hetero and I had no way to navigate it. Every time I attempted to engage with a woman I was met with them questioning my attraction to women and loyalty to men. Women that have been romantically interested in me would hesitate to even go on a date because they feared I’d drop them for a man and in hindsight I couldn’t understand why they would feel that way but now I understand.

Being Black and queer means fighting multiple battles at once especially if you are femme-presenting

I don’t feel queer enough to lead Black queer conversations. I feel like the best I can do is support, uplift and check others on their queerphobia. Because I am now in a relationship with a cis hetero man, I feel like my queerness is negated because I can still navigate through a heteronormative society. I don’t face the same issues that gay and gender non-conforming couples face and it makes me feel invisible. Instead of being in-community with the Black LGBTQ+ community, I feel like I’m on the outside looking in.

But over the years, I’ve had time to understand where I would fit on the LGBTQ+ spectrum and I fall in the demisexual and pansexual categories. Identifying as pansexual means I’m sexually attracted to people regardless of their gender or sexual identification.

I’d like to eventually do more than look through rainbow tinted windows from the outside. I’d like to find my tribe without erasing visible queer Black people because I realize that being in my current relationship allows me to not be on the receiving end of direct homophobia. I want to support and be supported, too. Even though I recognize my privilege in queer the queer community I would like to learn how to make space for myself and others who can relate to me.